The Messy Becoming Ep.1
A series of reflections on the last 6 months
In April 2026, I was burning alive with desire for change.
The date was April 16th 2026; we had Neptune, Mercury, Mars, Saturn, and Chiron in Aries at the time of the Aries new moon. That is 6 out of the 10 planets we work with in Astrology (plus Chiron) ALL in Aries.
And they were sitting on top of my Natal, 3rd house Aries stellium. Ouch.
What all of that Aries energy did was burn me OUT. I was sick with four colds and flu’s back-to-back while burning with the desire to finally be doing the thing that I’ve been working towards, preparing for and building up to for years. To take action in my soul’s calling. But I was stuck. I knew I couldn’t keep living the life I was living, but I didn’t know how to bridge the gap between knowing and doing.
As an Aries, I’m pretty familiar with crisis. For me, crisis is a catalyst; I seem to need it in order to change. But it gets to a point, and I just thought, enough is ENOUGH; I’m bored of this story, bored of playing life at this level now. It’s time to change.
This is that story. The messy becoming. Because it was and still is MESSY. I don’t feel ready to share my voice; I don’t feel ready for this level, but I also don’t think I ever will. And the idea of walking up one day in my 50s still feeling the same way is just way too scary to fathom. Way too real a risk. So here I am, world.
Upon reflection, I realised I was trying to fix an energetic problem on a physical level. For years I’ve been looking for someone or something to fix me, to give me the answers or do it for me. Another course, another supplement, another treatment, or a journaling prompt or tarot card, just one more YouTube video that might finally crack the code of what’s wrong with me. Consuming, but never creating.
Information-saturated and application-resistant.
I know my chart: fire heavy, earth deficient. As an Aquarius rising, I love to intellectualise, but with Saturn in Aries, that impulse to act feels bound up in resistance.
But Mars, Mercury, and my Sun are there too; I know I need powerful, sweaty exercise that uses up some of that fire, and I really do not need any caffeine. I knew what I needed to do, but I had spent so long building the neural pathways through the choices I was making, the promises to myself I was breaking again and again. I was paralysed, which for an Aries is a very, very dangerous place to be. Aries need action, and the inaction has been slowly corroding me. I thought, ‘What’s wrong with my health? Why am I so tired? Why don’t I look or feel well? I’m so careful with my diet and health-conscious, yet I feel and look hollow.’ The answer was simple, and yet it felt like the hardest thing in the world to change.
Because the answer- the action I needed to take went against everything I was used to doing, and I was comfortable in the safety net of my limiting beliefs.
Change is painful, and hella crunchy. Each vulnerable step forward has my inner child running behind my legs, asking to go home, to go back to where it feels safe and familiar.
This transformation over the last 6 months has been teaching me how to walk hand in hand with little me. When for so long I prayed that I would just get out of my own way, now I stand behind, stand beside, stand hand in hand with that version of me that was just trying to protect and keep us safe. We cry together, we laugh together, we do this together. I think THAT is what is changing. That move from the head and into the body. Day by messy day.
